Acknowledge you have been neglecting and need help accomplishing true love for yourself.
It takes a tribe.
The first step to getting anywhere you need to be is acknowledging you need to be there. You get to take that first step and know you need assistance along the way from other people in the same boat – from other people who have already unpacked those bags you are holding now and have come through on the other side, unpacked and organized, ready to help – or from people who are in the same valley you are currently walking ready to take your hand and walk through it together up to the mountain top. This is the only way to move forward and become all you were meant to be.
This was particularly difficult for me. The famous line is fake it ‘til you make it. And oh, I was good at that. I thought I was happy, or at the very least I showed other people I was. I put on the fake smile, I did the fake laugh and though sometimes it was real, in rare moments, it made me sadder to fake it. I may have been faking it well, but dude, I was so far from making it.
I would continuously body shame myself, and then binge on food, because of course that would make it better. Food was my comfort, my place of solitude, specifically bread. I would have a bad day or see myself in the mirror and realize I had gained some weight and instead of taking on some personal development or going to therapy, I would go to bakery therapy and eat until I felt somewhat better mentally and absolutely awful physically. Then I would look at myself again in the mirror and hate myself more, body shame myself even more. And the sick carousel continued to spin. But, the pink horse was my favorite and I clung to it for dear life.
I would put myself down in front of other people, I would make jokes about myself and always thought I was the life of the party. Instead I was spouting off my insecurities and allowing others to treat me in the same way I was treating myself. I had no respect for myself and therefore, even if it was unintentional, others had little respect for me in return. I was opening the door for other people to treat me terribly, exactly the way I had been treating myself. To which, I would go home and grab ahold of that pink horse again.
I would blow up on people. It was awful, I would redirect my self-loathing on to them and assume they either did not like me or just kept me around out of pity. I also projected my expectations for myself on to others, along with that my self-doubts, which would make me seem extremely angry most of the time and believe me, it was no good for my relationships. Being this way left me feeling disappointed in myself, but that was too hard to admit, so I would just project that disappointment on others which made me super popular.
I faked it so much, I started to become a chameleon around others. I would adapt to what I thought they wanted me to be. Need someone sophisticated? I got you. Oh, someone who is chill and goes with the flow? No problem, that’s totally me. Someone who loves parties and drinking…yep, I’ve got that down, sister! No matter what the situation, I would adapt myself to what others wanted or needed. And that created some really terrible relationships, cause let’s face it, if you are not being true to yourself, you are not happy in the least, and therefore, you are coming off as insincere or fake to others. And the best part? They will begin to treat you this way, so when you finally show your true colors everything implodes and every type of trust you thought you manifested will have disappeared.
I questioned myself constantly. No matter what the situation, I would question my decisions, my thoughts, my actions - all of it. I was never sure of myself which always came off to other people and never allowed them to get close. If someone did not respond in a matter of minutes I made up an entire story as to why they hated me, or wracked my brain as to what I did wrong for them to be mad at me. I was constantly wondering if I offended someone, or if I hung out with someone they didn’t like and they were mad. And I would lie, if I did not feel like doing something or was too busy, instead of just telling the truth, I would lie and make up plans. This also ended trust, because the truth is always revealed.
And people pleasing. Oh, friend, that was the absolute worst part of all of this. I was constantly attempting to make someone else happy. Regardless of what I needed or wanted, if someone else needed me I always said yes to them and no to myself. Because God forbid, if I didn’t do something, they wouldn’t like me or they would be mad at me. Which developed in to me coming up with ridiculous excuses, or over booking myself and therefore overextending myself with no internal benefit in sight. I love people and making others happy, however, neglecting my own happiness and not setting boundaries was close to literally killing me and my soul. This led to many people knowing they could take full on advantage of me, and I would go out of my way to do whatever it is they wanted or needed from me, resulting in some terribly toxic relationships with others. And I don’t care what else is said on this, when you start to develop only toxic relationships, you really start to develop hateful, negative feelings for people in general. And there you have, I started to not only hate myself but to hate all people, no matter who they were.
All of this obviously took a huge mental toll on me. I was treating myself terribly and developing an awful relationship with the one person I was going to be with forever, myself. I was exhausted constantly from people pleasing. I was exhausted from being negative constantly – trust me, negativity is extremely exhausting. I was quite possibly addicted to others and depending on them no matter how toxic. I was distraught from never having meaningful conversations and connections with others. I was a freaking mess.
And here goes the crazy talk, I woke up one day and realized I was fucking fed up. This was no way to live and only I could change that. I started dreaming up ways to remind myself each day that I wanted to be better. That I wanted to get rid of the junk – which may have been the hardest part. I knew a better life was out there, I knew I was meant to be so much more, and I knew something greater was on the horizon. Maybe it was me finally starting to take care of my physical body. Maybe it was the fact that I slowly started to surround myself with more positive people. Maybe it was just in my brain that I could no longer continue the way things were. No one deserves to live a life unhappily.
I did not know it at the time, but I started to develop steps to moving forward. I started researching like a mad woman – and probably looked it most of the time – and applying what I was learning to my life. I took leaps when I didn’t think it was possible. I jumped in to taking this seriously and knowing my life depended on it. And the Expedition was born. So beautifully and readily.
So, here you are.
Acknowledging you believe you need self-love to be the best version of you. Maybe you don’t quite know if you deserve it or not (yet), but you know it is essential to growth and that is the first step in this Expedition of a lifetime.
Look at you go!! Taking that first step is the most important!
Knowing you need help getting there and asking for help in others.
Here are some things you need to know:
1. We are all in this together. This is a safe place we can share and be vulnerable, and being vulnerable is the key for growth in this process.
2. There is no judgement. If you find yourself being judgmental, share it, no matter what, because that may be key in moving forward and owning your own insecurities.
3. We will work together. Working together, support, bouncing ideas off one another, I strongly encourage you join up with others to work through this, or join my group. Again, it takes a tribe.
4. This is a deep process. It will bring some hard issues to the surface. If it does, we must address these issues/situations in order to grow and move forward. Which brings me to #5.
5. Trust the process.
6. We get to always choose love first.
7. This is your expedition – you get to go as fast or as slow as you need to.
Commitment is the key to the door you get to walk through right this second. You must be willing to commit to yourself and really focus on self-love and growth. This is a marathon not a sprint. It is going to take time, but if you are committed to self-love, it will happen and be more than worth it. Excuses do not get to live here, and we will push past them together.
At the end of your life, the longest relationship you will have is with yourself. It is the most important.
Without loving yourself first, you cannot and will not be able to fully love and pour in to others. This is not a selfish practice, it is actually the opposite. By taking care and loving yourself first, you allow yourself to love and give love more freely and be an all-around better human.
You get to be compassionate with yourself. Treat yourself like you are your own best friend, instead of being your toughest critic. This is easier said than done, and we will work on this. Practice patience with yourself and forgive yourself along the way. This is not a journey to be perfect, it is simply linking arms and committing to being a better you today than you were yesterday.
Set healthy boundaries with yourself and others. You get to implement what is healthy for you and reject what is holding you back. You get to protect your needs and honor your worth. And we go more in depth on how to do this.
Ever heard the old saying, know your value and then add tax? Well, that’s what we get to do!
We will be committing to daily acts of self-love – these will be small acts – there is nothing in this expedition too small for you to start doing in order to be a better you. I will not ask you to spend tons of money, extraordinary amounts of time or sacrifice your life. Cause, let’s be real, this is hard and we already have busy schedules and demands of our time, this gets to be simple and doable. Examples would be waking up and feeling gratitude, or writing in a journal, breathing intentionally for a couple of minutes, moving your phone away from your bed, eliminating the television from the bedroom, etc. One small act to start your day to best benefit your greatest good.
We get to commit to a deep, loving relationship with ourselves and see the positive shift that comes with it.
We get to start from anywhere. There are no limits to who gets to come along with us. I know some of you are sitting back saying, I could never do this, I am not cut out for it, and already thinking up a thousand excuses to get you out of doing this. And it is up to you whether you listen to them or move on.
When I started this on my own, I was at the lowest point of my life. I felt worthless from a marriage that was devastating me, and I projected those feelings on to anyone who would sit still with me for more than five minutes. I felt hopeless from so many situations that seemed not to work out. I threw on fake smiles constantly to ward off anyone’s questions – which only made me feel worse about myself, that I could pull off fake happy pretty well. I had no clue what my passions were and how to make my dreams come true, so I tried every single idea I had and ended up looking scattered rather than put together – and my brain resembled this feeling.
I hated my body. Every inch of it. I had horrible skin, my thighs are huge, my hair just doesn’t ever seem to be that perfect mix of shiny and frizz free. My stomach was pudgy and I was out of shape. I tried running and almost threw up.
I projected the lie of hating my body on to food and only fed myself crap that perpetuated the feelings of hating my body and feeling ashamed.
I once sat and ate an entire pan of brownies because it made me feel better in the moment, only to hate myself more and feel so ashamed I cried myself to sleep – and that wasn’t the last time I treated myself that way.
I felt guilty everyday for one thing or another. I felt like all the death that had happened around me was my fault. I constantly felt like someone was mad at me and I needed to fix it immediately, so I tried entirely too hard with people and I am sure that showed.
Hell, I even felt guilt and shame when I first heard the word cancer. I felt shame that maybe I slept with too many people, or somehow used the wrong product or brought this on myself. I felt guilt for making my family worry about me. I felt awful about the whole thing when in actuality, I should have just been scared and allowed my brain to just be scared. Every single time I heard that word, guilt and shame crept up because I hated myself so much. Which spiraled, because of course my body hated me right back.
I made jokes about myself so I would feel better, and people wouldn’t say them before I could. I made my brain listen to so much nonsense that I finally started believing it. Remember my pink horse. She was always there for me to jump on and allow the carousel to just keep spinning.
My point to all of this, is I am here, right here with you. I know what it feels like to hate yourself, I know what it feels like to be so unhappy but have no idea how to fix it, I know what it feels like to think the entire world has this massive joke and it’s about you. I know what this feels like. And that is exactly why I am here.
That is exactly why this book exists, I have been there, hell I am still there sometimes, and I want to share with you, dear friend, what I did to make it all stop – or at least to make it better. I want to share with you each step I took to get to a better place, to love myself and be a better human, so that maybe you can take some of it and apply it to your life to start living your best life. Because we all deserve it. More than anything we deserve to be the best version of us – most the time anyway – and have a life that is full to the brim and overflowing.
The time is now. We get to take this Expedition and become the person we were meant to be. And it isn’t huge, it is small simple steps and slow movement toward that version of us that moves mountains, and shows others how it’s done.
And it all starts here, acknowledging you need to be a better version of you, move past the terrible and on to the future. Admitting you need to better handle situations, and say no to what doesn’t matter, let go of the shit storm of the past and come in to the light. Acknowledging you get to take the steps forward and having a tribe of people with your greatest good at the forefront, because you have theirs at yours. Admitting you need to link arms with others and have a massive impact on this earth just by being your true self.
Acknowledging you deserve self-love, because it is the ultimate love, and my friend you deserve all of it.
I am thrilled you are here.
Reflection:
· What do I get to change?
· What will the repercussions be if I do not change?
· What pain or fear do I associate with self-love?
· What are the benefits I will get from this change?
· How have I made my life unhappy?
· How have I tried to change in the past? What has worked/not worked?
· Am I willing to do whatever it takes to change my mindset and how I treat myself?
GET THE REST OF THE BOOK BY CLICKING THE COVER HERE:
Comments