This is going to be a difficult one, and also something that everyone needs to read and think about, so let’s talk about it. Keep in mind, this is all coming from my own personal experience, and that is all I can speak on. And if you want to stick around for the later part of this conversation, it is also going to be hard to read, but worth it, I promise.
I will start this by talking about what my experience with Post-partum depression and anxiety was like – and is still like, because it is not gone, it is not that easy.
So imagine this. Imagine having the worst possible thoughts going on in your head. Imagine thinking about how much of a failure you are (for literally no reason other than your brain is telling you that you are, or your child keeps crying and you cant figure out why, who really could as a new parent? The list could go on and on), imagine thinking about how much better the world would be if you were no longer in it and no longer a burden to those you love – even, ridiculously, your brand new baby. Imagine that, if you can.
That was where I was. After the first five weeks of new-ness wore off, I found myself in a very rough place. I found myself having horrifying, very realistic dreams. If you know me, you know I have talked relapse dreams before and how realistic they are, and these are not much different. I would have dreams of someone coming to my home, banging on my doors or windows, threatening my life and demanding I give them my baby. I would wake up sweating and terrified because it was so real. I would have dreams that someone was just watching me through my windows and doors, which made me terrified to even walk by my sliding doors at night. I would have dreams about doing horrible things to myself or my child. Imagine that shit. Imagine trying to deal with that and not wanting to tell anyone because I did not want to sound crazy or have anyone think I would actually do something bad to my child, I would never, but I was scared to tell anyone about my dreams, because I was terrified someone would take my child away from me, so I kept quiet and kept it to myself. Such complete bull shit. (I did find an amazing therapist, more on that later).
I would literally freeze. I would hear my baby crying and also have a couple of emails come through and the dogs would be barking, or some other form of chaos and my whole body would freeze. My brain would tell me to get up, but my body would not let me move one inch. It was again, terrifying. The fact that I could not move my body was terrifying, and then of course – once again – I felt like a failure because I could not force my body to move. Little did I know it was a defense mechanism, but imagine needing to get up to go to your crying child but physically not being able to. Imagine how scary that is. And that is just imagining. If you haven’t been there, you could have no idea what it feels like. Being vulnerable about it is so hard, but we need to be, because we are not alone, we are not alone, we are not alone. This happens more often than not and we do not talk about it because we will be bad moms, however, not talking about it means we are not getting the help that we need to be better moms. Talking about it makes us better.
Luckily, I do not feel like I got the worst of it, and I was able to get help and ease my way back out of these feelings and learn how to cope and how to move forward. Not everyone is able to get that kind of help – or is able to talk about it with those that are close with them. I was so fortunate to have the means to get help, and still receive that help.
Now, for the tricky part….how does this relate to the current overturning of Roe? I will tell you.
I was and am a woman who wanted my child. I want my baby and I love her tremendously, but from the beginning she was wanted. I knew she would be loved and I knew she was and is wanted.
She was and is wanted, and I still felt all of this. I still had PPD/PPA and I was able to push through mostly because of her, because she needed me and I needed her, and I wanted to be the best mom I could be to her. I got through it because of her, not in spite of her.
Now, imagine if my baby was not wanted, but forced. Imagine if I was forced to carry and care for a baby that I did not want, but was instead forced to have and then went through all of this. I would not be getting through because of her, I would be getting through in spite of her. I would not be in the same position, I would not be able to leverage with the fact that I wanted to be a great mom. Yes, I am sure most babies are loved even if they are not wanted but there is a huge difference in the two.
Something people do not think about is the post-partum care of women, we are a little left at the wayside and not taken care of like we should be. But imagine what that feels like for a women who did not want her baby. Even knowing how wanted my girl was, I still had major resentment sometimes, for the amount my life changed. I am not ashamed to admit it because I know most moms do. I wasn’t madly in love the moment I saw her, it took time. And I cannot imagine going through that had I not wanted her.
That, to me, is much more horrible than an abortion. To force a mother to have a child she does not want, and to go through post-partum without much care anyway, and raise a child who does not feel wanted or loved in the world. That sounds far more cruel to me than an abortion.
Either way, we need much better post-partum care, but absolutely if we are going to be forced to have babies that are not wanted, we at the very least need better health care for women.
I wish you nothing but love no matter what side of this you are on, or if you are still deciding and trying to figure things out. I wish you nothing but love. And I hope you wish others the same, and think about mothers and what this truly means for individuals in the long run. And maybe, just maybe, not matter which side you are on, you can help fight for better care for mothers post-partum. That would be making a true difference in the world.
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