Let's talk about....follow up from Breaking the Silence

Let’s talk about….follow up from Breaking the Silence.

A conversation I had recently made me realize maybe I should update on life after I wrote Breaking the Silence. It seemed so much happened after I published that book I never really shared. So, I decided this week’s blog post should be just that – an update on what went on after the book.

Interestingly, when people reach out after reading my book, they typically think it ended with everything going great, however that is not the case. I finished writing the book the summer on 2019. I published in September of 2019. My husband did not stick to sobriety until October 20, 2019. That date will live with me forever. I found that I was telling people the rest of the story and they were surprised after reading my book (thank you again for reading!), and so I wanted to share and honestly, it’s not enough for a second book, nor do I have the time to write a whole follow up book so here we are.

I also never shared what events lead to his official day of sobriety. So, here we go (with his blessing to share, of course, I would never share his part of our story without asking him if he was alright with that. A lesson learned with publishing books about yourself and others). I will preface here that what happened with us is not a fix, and would not be a solution for everyone, however it worked for us, and that is what matters in our journey. Please make sure you are discussing what your plans are with someone you trust or better yet, a therapist to get guidance on what you need and how to handle things.

We were at a therapy session, one I had to wake him up for because he was sleeping in his truck in the parking lot (we typically met at therapy because of work schedules). I knew right away what I was looking at – my husband had drank again. It is the worst feeling, yet a knowing one, I knew it was going to happen and I had been waiting for it and when it finally was clear, and hard for him to deny it actually made me feel better. What was even more validating, is that our therapist noticed it as well and asked him to leave the session, which he did. He asked him to leave because he knew my husband was not in the right mind for therapy and also to discuss moving forward with me privately. He took that opportunity to discuss some boundary talk with me and ask me what I really wanted in my marriage and how to move forward.

He encourage me to discuss my husband getting help and making sure he knew that if he did not get help, I could not continue our marriage.

Now, this type of conversation can end several ways and may not go great. And for us, it did not in the beginning. Of course, he was defensive and pissed off which I completely expected. I was also ready to be the one to leave the house – I was asking for this, not him so I was prepared to leave if needed. This all went down on a Friday night and I was loving and firm while telling him what I needed. All with the guidance of our therapist.

The next morning he informed me he would be leaving. We decided, with love for both each other and ourselves, that he would leave until our next therapy session which was several weeks away. We would not talk in between and we would both take the time to get ourselves together and find some healing alone – and he would find time to figure out sobriety and what he needed and was working toward. The only communication we had was him sending me a breathalyzer showing his sobriety – something he came up with to show me he was serious, and honestly, it was very helpful. However, I would not have asked for this to be done, he had to offer it, otherwise it would not have been as helpful.

So, there we were. We decided after a while that we could cohabitate again, however, we would still keep our distance and do our own things, and continue to heal while going to therapy both with each other and alone.

I am not sure what exactly happened this time to make him stick to sobriety – maybe learning everything he could lose? Or it was just finally time to stop treating himself like shit? I have not dug in to this much with him, as I was working on my own healing at the time.

Also, during this time, I was not only working on my own healing (Embracing Detachment was a huge helpful book during this time, I highly recommend), I was also going over what I was going to do if he were to decided he did not want to come home and chose addiction over our life together. I had to become okay with that, and walk away if needed. To be honest, this was the hardest day of my life up until that point. To know he could choose to walk away and knowing I had to also be ok with that. However, I was not about to be unprepared, so I was working up numbers on the house and the car and everything else I would need to take on, and see if it would be worth it to do so if needed. I also went over bank accounts and all the things. It was an incredibly scary time in so many ways.

Now, fast forward almost three years since that date, and things have gotten so much better, however, I feel like we put so much emphasis and focus on the addiction that we think once it is not the forefront anymore, everything will be so much better. And for the most part, it is, this huge elephant in the room is no longer there, but that doesn’t mean the issues and overthinking and anxiety just go away with it. They do not. I was still overthinking so many things, and anxious about so much. That has taken years to unlearn, and lots of therapy. I really thought things would be so different than that – I thought once his addiction was under control, everything would be happy and fall in to place, and yet, here we were, still arguing and I was still having all these terrible feelings.

Again, it took a long time, and therapy to move forward, which is still very hard sometimes. It doesn’t magically become sunshine and rainbows right away like I expected. Not to mention, now that we had this huge issue moved from the spotlight, we could focus on other areas of our marriage that needed work, and they came to light.

I also saw myself picking fights, the only reason for, was because I was just used to arguing about drinking and that wasn’t there anymore and I was filling that void. I really had to heal a lot of parts about me as well. We need therapy and recovery just as much, and we need support just as much also. It is terribly hard, even after sobriety. There is so much to heal and so much to unlearn.

It was absolutely worth all of the work, on both ends. We have an amazing daughter now who would not be here without all of this work. However, it is work, even after years. Worth it, but work.