Post-partum. Let’s talk about it, because we do not even remotely talk about this enough in our society. In most other societies, women are so taken care of post-partum it is kind of embarrassing a country like the United States does not even discuss anything around it. Suicide is one of the leading causes of death among post-partum mothers, SUICIDE, and no one wants to talk about it, because it isn’t the pretty, wrapped in a bow way new mothers should look.
It makes me angry, honestly, it should make you angry too, whether you are a mom or not. Healthcare for women is ridiculous – but that is a whole other topic for another day.
First, post-partum is just the term that describes the time post giving birth. But it has become a cliché, taboo word that no one wants to discuss or bring up, and I witnessed first hand the level of discomfort people felt almost immediately when I would talk about it.
Second, let’s talk about how common and normal it is for women to go through a period of depression after giving birth. Our hormones are far from regulated – even for months after – our bodies have gone through the most severe trauma it will ever experience, you are now responsible for your own recovery as well as taking care of an entire new human you just met. It is completely normal to feel whatever way you do after having a baby. Whatever the emotions are, whatever the feelings are, they are normal.
What is also normal is having no interest in your child. It is normal to not want to do anything at all. It is normal to have no idea what you are doing and to be terrified. However, the next step if you are feeling that way is to get some help. And it is so scary, I can tell you firsthand just how scary it is. The compulsive thoughts, the terrifying dreams, the sinking depression. It is terrifying, but there are so many resources for help, it’s just that no one wants to talk about it, so no other moms know just how normal it is and where the help is. So here we are.
I want to start really talking about this more and more. It is not for attention or for anything other than to bring to light just how normal this is for moms to go through. And it is different for everyone.
Some moms bond immediately with their little one, it is instant, and they are immediately in love, and I feel like that is the pressure bar we are set to, because it is what is expected of us. However, this is not the case for all moms. It was not the case for me.
I was stunned, mostly by what my body just did. I did not, however, get those magical feelings of love right away. I was blown away that this brand-new human was all of a sudden in my life, but I did not show emotion right away – I couldn’t. I really felt numb because it was all so much, the delivery, her birth and this expectation that I would feel these intense feelings that never came. I just remember laying there, somewhat feeling out of my body without any emotion.
Fast forward to three months later and depression hit me really hard. Of course, I didn’t want to talk to anyone about it and really did not talk to anyone about it. Fucking societal expectations.
This was about the time I went back to work, and she went to daycare, and everything was hitting me all at once, and everything was changing intensely again. I would have intense dreams about someone coming to take my daughter, or someone hurting her, or even me hurting her. I talked about relapse dreams before, and they are intense as well, but these dreams were so realistic, and I would wake up in a panic. It is horrifying, like your brain is seriously betraying you on every level. I never experience the feelings of being uninterested in my baby, but I know it is common for many moms.
I feel like it wasn’t until my baby was six months old, did I really feel connected to her and like I was a mom and our bond strengthened. And I want to scream how normal that is – I want to shout so loudly that it is so common for feelings of bonding and intense love to take time to develop. This is a brand-new human that came in to your life like a storm and you are 100% responsible for, also you have no idea what they need because they cannot communicate other than crying. Of course, that could take time to develop. But these societal pressures are so crazy and push us to believe we are bad moms if we do not have those intense feelings right way, so again, we do not talk about it and therefore are all dealing with this alone and thinking we are terrible in the meantime.
So, here’s what I did. I talked about it, I went to therapy and discussed if using medication would be the best option for me. I talked about it with my husband and some friends. The more I talked about it, honestly, the easier it became to deal with everything. The more honest I became, the better I felt and the more help I got, whic
h lead to me feeling even better.
I learned just how normal all of my feelings were and are. I learned that every mother/child relationship development is different, everyone has different hormones that regulate differently. I learned how much help is out there. I learned that recovery is possible, and you do not have to live in a scary place forever, or alone. I learned that this is not easy and that is normal. I learned that we do not have t
o live up to any expectations, and honestly, those expectations are killing us – literally.
If you need help, please ask for it. If you know a new mom, check in on her, like really check in and help her. Seeing her new beautiful baby is one thing, but actually helping is another. She doesn’t need flowers, she needs real help.
If you are scared to reach out to someone, you can reach out to me, no judgement, ever. And if you need recommendations on where to get help or who to reach out to, I can send you in the right direction there too. Or I can just listen. Another note – if you need someone to just listen, tell them that, make sure they know you don’t need advice or a fix, that you just need someone to listen, and then speak honestly.
Sending you all my life, new mama. It’s not easy, but wow, it is the most beautiful thing in the world – no matter how l
ong it takes you to realize that.
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